lee-kelly-coaching

The Authentic Speaker Series: Why I love Power Posing

Wed, 01 Sep 2021 04:01:25 GMT

You can become more assertive and confident simply by opening your body position

I discovered Power Posing several years ago when I listened to a TED Talk by Amy Cuddy , a Social Psychologist from the Harvard Business School.

Her studies affirm what I have been observing for years as I coach people to become aware of their body language, how it affects the way they feel and how they speak in public.

Amy selected two groups of MBA students. One group sat or stood in positions of low power - bodies closed, legs crossed, arms folded, shoulders hunched forward. The second group sat or stood in positions of power - arms straight out to the side or above their head, shoulders open and back, legs in a wide, open stance. Both groups held these open or closed body positions for 2 minutes and then their saliva was tested.

Amazingly, the power poser's showed a 15% increase in testosterone , the hormone that configures our brain to be more assertive, confident and creative. The low power poser's showed an increase in cortisol, the stress hormone. Both groups undertook a series of games and exercises after the posing and the power poser's showing greater rates of concentration, aptitude and creativity.

We can change the physiology of our bodies simply by changing the the way we position ourselves.

When preparing to speak in public, it is important to be aware of our body language - before and during our presentation. Power Posing is a quick and easy way to help combat nervousness and prepare us to speak with more confidence and assertiveness. It can help us feel more powerful.

Find a quiet place to open your body for 2 minutes - hold a power pose and literally feel and know your energy is increasing. When waiting for your turn to speak, make sure your body is open - stretch your arms above your head, out to the side, roll your shoulders back. If sitting in a chair, be as open as you can - uncross your legs, straighten spine, roll shoulders back. Take a deep breath.

Power posing is a fantastic way to prepare yourself for any life activity. And if you want to increase your confidence and presence as a speaker, power posing is an incredible tool.

The Authentic Speaker Series: Harness Your Mind

Sun, 29 Aug 2021 05:20:58 GMT

You are the thoughts you keep thinking

How do we prepare and harness our mind before speaking? Why is this important?

I've learned, the thoughts we keep thinking create beliefs about ourselves affecting how we live our lives and how we perform as a presenter.

I always invite the people I'm coaching to investigate the dominant thoughts and beliefs they have about themselves. I ask them to do a 'brain dump' of all the negative, limiting thoughts they have. And these are often just the ones they're aware of! So many of our beliefs are unconscious and have been learned in childhood or passed down to us through our families.

Often they begin with thoughts and beliefs specific to public speaking: "I speak too fast", "I stutter and garble my words", "I say um all the time", "I always forget my words", "My stories aren't interesting", "I hate the way I sound".

Then as we peel back the layers, the negative thoughts and beliefs become more encompassing: "I'm a terrible speaker", "I'm scared of what people think of me", "I'm scared of being judged", "I don't feel of worth", "I'm not good enough".

The most consistent and underlying limiting belief I've discovered is: "I'm not enough". Who am I to be sharing my thoughts, ideas and stories with you? Who do I think I am? I'm just not worthy, not good enough, not interesting enough, not clever enough, not attractive enough, just NOT ENOUGH!!

The first step to overcoming and replacing these limiting thoughts and beliefs is to become aware of them. Catch them as they subtly and sneakily enter your mind. Don't beat yourself up for having them. Just observe and replace them with kinder, more affirming thoughts.

"I speak too fast" to "I'm a well paced and measured speaker"

"I say um all the time" to "I use pauses effectively"

"I always forget my words" to "I remember my words with ease"

"I'm a terrible speaker" to "I'm a confident speaker"

"I'm not enough" to "I'm enough"

An Affirmation is a short, powerful phrase we repeat to ourselves as often as possible so our mind begins to believe and act upon it. Remember a belief is simply a thought we keep thinking. Change our thoughts, change our beliefs, transform our lives.

When we first create an affirmation it can be hard to believe and our mind condemns it. We know we always forget our words! We know we're a terrible speaker! This is the moment when you need to trust the process . Trust, as you replace a limiting thought with a new, affirming thought encouraging a new way of thinking or being and then repeating this thought as often as you can - your mind will come to believe this thought and a new belief is created. Your external world will then begin to reflect this new belief.

Affirmations can seem too simple to be believable. Try them, they work!

Luke and Mr Kuze

When my son Luke was a 14 year old school boy, his favourite class was Japanese. He excelled in learning this language and he had an amazing memory.

It was time for the yearly Japanese speech and Luke had prepared well. He knew his speech perfectly and planned to present it using no notes. Yet, a little nagging voice inside kept saying, "You might forget your words", "You should use cue cards just to be safe". The class was encouraged by the teacher Mr Kuze to use cue cards if they needed to - after all, it was a different language. But Luke knew he could remember it so why was he having this thought of needing cue cards?

We talked about it. I asked him where this thought had come from? Why did he think he needed cue cards when he was so sure he would remember his speech?

On reflection he realised the rest of his classmates were all using cue cards and this was the expected and encouraged thing to do. Luke was doubting his own ability and hooking into the belief that cue cards were necessary because a Japanese speech would be too hard to remember perfectly without them!

Once this limiting belief was uncovered, Luke replaced it with, "I remember my Japanese speech perfectly" ,"I'm well prepared and speak confidently without cue cards".

However, on the day of the speech, Luke had his cue cards tucked discreetly in his shorts pocket. Speakers before him all used cue cards and when it was his turn, he walked up to the front of the classroom and pulled out the cue cards as everyone else had.

After speaking for a few moments, he realised the cue cards were a hindrance - his speech was flowing and he remembered everything he'd prepared. The cue cards disappeared back into his pocket and he finished his speech reinforcing the new belief - "I'm an amazing, confident speaker and I remember all I want to say!"

As Luke sat down, Mr Kuze stood up, clapped his hands and exclaimed, "Excellent, Excellent".

Luke received the top mark in the class for his speech.

He also learned the power of harnessing his mind.

The Authentic Speaker Series: The Eye Connection

Thu, 26 Aug 2021 04:59:16 GMT

The amazing power of your eye contact

When it comes to speaking in front of others, the most powerful non verbal body language we engage in is what we do with our eyes.

I remember when I was at high school and preparing to give one of the dreaded yearly speeches in English class. The teacher advised us to just fix our eyes on a spot at the very back of the room if we were feeling nervous. I was 16, it was my sixth form year and I was required to give a speech on someone famous. I chose Donald Duck!

I learned my speech perfectly, I was well prepared, but I was terrified. I hated public speaking and managed to avoid any classes or activities that required standing up in front of a group of people. As I sat at my desk waiting for my turn to speak, the fear was so intense I wished I was dead.

My name was called, I walked to the front. I didn't need notes as I'd memorised it. I faced the class...but I couldn't look at them. It was just too intimidating. The advice to look above them at the back wall was forgotten. I turned away from those faces watching me and gave my speech looking out towards the windows. Not once did I catch the eyes of my classmates!

How do you think it went? Did I make an impact? Did I connect?

Well, my friends remembered little about my speech and the history of Donald Duck. They have never forgotten how I refused to look at them as I spoke. I was teased for years!

Consistent and continued eye contact as we speak is how we connect with others. As we connect with our eyes we can feel into the essence of the other person, we can really see them - who they are, their integrity, their honesty, their authenticity in that moment. And they see us! When we are public speaking, eye contact is essential for us to reach into our audiences hearts and convey the messages we're sharing.

How much eye contact is enough?

It's good to aim for 2-3 seconds of eye contact from one person to the next. This can depend on the size of the audience you're speaking too. In a small to medium sized group, aim to sweep your eyes over the whole group so they all feel included. It's important to not just flick your eyes around without a meaningful connection with anyone. Aim to pause for those few seconds and feel the connection.

In a larger audience, aim to connect eyes with those in the first few rows of people and as far back as you can. As you make the effort to fully engage with your eyes, it becomes a natural and easy thing to do.

When we're nervous it's tempting to not look at anyone and instead focus on our notes, the roof, the back of the room etc...However if we can have courage and find a friendly face, meet their eyes, pause for 2-3 seconds, really feel into that connection, then there is a wonderful exchange of energy and support that takes place. You feel supported. They feel seen. Your words have much greater impact and power.

Practice using more eye contact in your daily life with the people you come into contact with. Think about the 2-3 second timeframe. Try going longer and see how that feels. In the courses I run I often get the group to hold eye contact with each other for up to 10 seconds! This is an intense experience and good practice to realise how easy 2-3 seconds is.

As you practice your daily eye contact, become aware of how you feel as you consciously hold the connection with the other person. Bring this into your public speaking and see what happens.

You'll be transformed into an authentic, powerful speaker!

The Authentic Speaker Series: 7 Seconds To Make A Great First Impression

Fri, 25 Jun 2021 11:03:40 GMT

An audience makes a judgement about you in the first 7 seconds so make them count!

The moment we first meet someone is crucial to how we perceive them and the initial judgements we make are often hard to reverse. As a speaker, we need to ensure we are well prepared and our actions are impeccable in the first 7 seconds in front of an audience. It's not long, yet it's enough for an audience to make judgements on who they think someone is. What they're wearing, how they sound, how they stand and the energy they exude gives the audience feedback. A bad first impression is hard to recover from.

How to nail the first 7 seconds.

1) Be Prepared. Have your speech or presentation well rehearsed and organised. There's no benefit in 'winging it'. It's risky. And you'll be anxious which will show in those first few moments. Familiarise yourself with the venue. Know where you'll be sitting before your presentation. If possible stand in the spot you'll be speaking from - practice with the microphone, power point or any other equipment you might be using. Being fully prepared helps you to feel relaxed and the audience will feel your ease and confidence immediately.

2) Look amazing! It's the details that matter! Good shoes, clean fingernails, not too much cleavage, well pressed skirt or pants, People judge us by the way we move, look and sound. Be the best version of yourself as you present to an audience. Dress up. Clothes give us energy so choose an outfit that helps you feel empowered, energised and attractive.

3) Align yourself within. As you're sitting waiting for the moment to walk in front of the audience, align yourself within by taking a deep breath, sit calmly, straight spine, shoulders back. Know and remember your opening comments - keep them forefront in your mind. Be aware you're being observed in the walk from your seat to the stage. Walk purposefully, confidently.

4) Take time to 'own the space'. Pause. There's no rush to begin. Take your time to 'own the space' on the stage. Arrange your notes if using them. Take a deep breath, look around, make eye contact, connect with the audience, smile.

5) Memorise the opening. Learn the first few sentences of your presentation so that you can deliver it with good eye contact and connection with the audience. Resist the urge to say inane things like "I'm so nervous" or "Sorry my hands are shaking". The audience doesn't know you're nervous unless you tell them.

6) Be yourself. When someone is putting on an act or faking it, it feels 'off'. In the first 7 seconds your job is to make a connection with the audience and the easiest way to do this is to be as natural and relaxed as you can be. Rather than thinking about yourself and how nervous you are etc, become audience centred. How can your words help and inspire them? What is the gift you can bring to this audience today?

The Authentic Speaker Series: The Power Of The Pause

Sun, 20 Jun 2021 03:35:57 GMT

The magical moment of pausing...

When speaking, the use of a well timed pause can be magical. It is an opportunity for the speaker and listener to fully connect. In the still, small space that is created - the pause, the speaker creates anticipation and suspense. The listener becomes alert, focussed and eager for what is coming next. A pause is a very powerful tool that can make the difference between a smooth, well paced, captivating speech or a rushed, garbled mess!

I remember coaching a man who had struggled with a stutter for most of his life. The strategy he'd use to not stutter was to speak really fast with no breaks between words or sentences. It was exhausting listening to him - trying to understand what he was saying and to keep up with the ideas or messages he was presenting.

He had great stories and he was excited to share them with the group I was coaching. After encouraging him to slow down his rate of speech and this not really working, I suddenly realised the key to helping him slow down was to build in pauses to his speeches. Not randomly placed, but strategically placed so he had an anchor of safety to hold onto.

Then it was about him trusting, as he slowed down for the pause, he may or may not stutter. And if he did, it was all ok. As a group, we would listen and support him regardless of his stutter. We welcomed and encouraged his pauses, even though he was terrified of losing control if he used them.

A transformation began to take place. As he experimented with using pauses and trusting he could use them without breaking out into stuttering, he became a different person. He began to engage more with his eyes. He became more connected with the group, with the audience. He felt more authentic as a speaker - he was able to let himself be fully seen and appreciated by the group. And he used pauses not just when he was giving a presentation but when he was speaking one to one. It was life changing for him.

Use pauses in your speaking:

- after the opening and before the closing remarks

- between different segments of your speech or presentation

- to indicate transitions in your speech from one idea, story, theme to another

- after a powerful statement or sentence that requires time for the audience to digest or understand

- for laughter or applause, or any spontaneous audience response

- for you to manage your nerves or pace

- to establish rapport and connection with your audience

- to help eliminate um's, ah's and other speech fillers

- to allow you to take a breath, establish eye contact and relax into your presentation.

The power of the pause is to be appreciated.

The Authentic Speaker Series: Your strength As A Speaker Comes From the Inside

Wed, 16 Jun 2021 11:52:11 GMT

Cultivate your inner strength and energy to create a powerful presence as a speaker

Have you ever watched someone give a presentation or facilitate a meeting and felt completely unmoved, uninspired, bored? Nothing they do or say touches you. You find yourself drifting off, unable to absorb what they're sharing. You may instead focus on their clothing, hairstyle, the colour of their shoes. Or your mind is thinking about lunch, dinner, sex, a phone bill or television show!

You are disconnected from the speaker in front of you. Why?

There are many reasons why a presenter fails to connect with an audience. To be a fully engaging and connected speaker takes preparation, practice and skill. However even when a speaker has spent hours preparing a speech and delivers it perfectly using vocal techniques, body language, good timing, pauses - a connection with the audience may still not happen.

When I observe this I know the speaker hasn't prepared their inner self - they're not aligned within and this hinders them from fully connecting with an audience.

Some simple ways to cultivate your inner strength and alignment to create a powerful presence as a speaker

Breathe

Use your breath to bring energy into your centre. Breathe deeply into your belly. Calm and still yourself with the in-breath. Slowly release the breath and allow stillness and calm to permeate your being. Feel your alignment within.

Speak from this place of calm alignment.

Open your body

Open your body into positions of power and energy. As you open your body you create a physiological response. Open body = more energy, more confidence, more power. Sit straight, tall, shoulders back, spine lengthened. Stand up, stretch your arms wide, open, hold the position for 1-2 minutes and feel the energy flow. Breathe and align.

Visualise

Visualise yourself connecting fully with the audience. Imagine a clear picture in your mind of yourself speaking - be specific in your visualisation. Where are you? What are you wearing? Can you see the audience watching you? Imagine seeing excitement and engagement on their faces. They love what you're sharing. Feel the connection. Feel your inner alignment. This is the best you've ever felt. You're confident, calm, focussed. You're amazing!

Affirm

Are you aware of your inner dialogue? Your mind chatter? What do you tell yourself about your ability to speak in public? "I'm not good enough". "I have nothing of worth to say". "I'm scared I'll forget my words". We all have negative thoughts about ourselves.

Be curious. Catch the negative thoughts and replace them with affirmations.

Affirmations work. They are short, simple and repetitive. Be vigilant. Catch your tricky mind and blast it with affirmations.

"I'm good enough!". "My stories are of worth". "I always remember my words".

The Authentic Speaker Series: What Is An Authentic Speaker?

Tue, 15 Jun 2021 09:43:13 GMT

Being who you are and speaking from your heart with integrity and honesty.

I remember belonging to a Toastmaster’s club and every year there was an opportunity to compete in speech competitions. It was scary and fun— using all the skills you’d been learning and pitting yourself against other Toastmasters.

I loved it! I loved the challenge of crafting a winning speech. I loved the build up, the hours of practice, the anticipation, the excitement, the possibilities. My greatest strength as a speaker was to share my stories and messages, from the heart. I'd created a speech based upon a moving story from my father’s life. It was good. I wanted to honour my Dad by sharing his story and he was delighted we could share this experience together.

I had reached the District level of the competition and there were eight other competitors. I was excited and terrified. Could I master my nerves and be myself in front of this big audience? Could I speak from my heart with integrity, my desire to connect with people and share a message to uplift and inspire? Could I be real and authentic — open and vulnerable without pretence or ego?

In the competition final I placed third. Second place was a powerful, heartfelt speech from a cancer survivor. First place, a speech planned and articulated in a way to astonish, entertain and impress the judges. Designed specifically to accrue points to make sure it gained the highest score. It was very good. Yet, it felt contrived, lacked connection, lacked authenticity. A feeling of, “Yeah, it was good… but… I just wasn’t moved”.

An authentic speaker speaks from the heart with sincerity, honesty and integrity. They have learned to go deep within themselves. They know who they are and what they stand for. An authentic speaker is not ashamed to show emotion and vulnerability. They may have mastered the skills to deliver their words and ideas with power and presence or they may be nervous, unconfident and unsure. However, when they speak their own truth from the heart, it resonates, it feels authentic and real.

Anyone can be an authentic speaker. Just be yourself. Get in touch with what you stand for, what you believe in, what you desire to share and contribute to the world. This may take time.

It’s an opportunity to dig deep and uncover who you are. Learn some skills to help share your message. Be your authentic self and speak from the heart. The world will thank you.

The Authentic Speaker Series: Is Public Speaking Your Biggest Fear?

Mon, 15 Mar 2021 10:27:19 GMT

Maybe it's time for a change.

You’re not alone! The fear of speaking in public or ‘glossophobia’ ranks right up there with the fear of death, insects and flying for most people.

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy”. Jerry Seinfeld

So why is it so terrifying? We can quite comfortably tell our stories to close friends and acquaintances but put us in front of a group or an even larger audience and it’s painfully hard.

Is it a fear of judgement? All eyes upon us in the spotlight?

Is it the fear that our words, ideas, stories are of no interest? We’re horrifyingly boring?

Is it the fear of ridicule, humiliation, shame? What if we go red, our hands shake badly, we talk too fast, stammer, stutter, lose our place, forget our speech?

Is it the fear that we’re just not good enough?

Maybe even reading this is causing you to feel anxious?

Over the past twenty years of public speaking coaching, I’ve discovered that the fear of public speaking is something most people would love to overcome. I think there is a belief that there’s a magic formula that will help with this – a quick, easy process. Maybe a bit of coaching, a six-week course, an inner tweaking, a few affirmations. And yes, all of these things can help. But, like anything we wish to get good at, to master, it takes a whole lot of time, effort, practice. Time preparing presentations, time rehearsing alone, time in front of an audience.

I was terrified of public speaking. During high school I would fake sick days to get out of giving class talks for English. At University I would drop whole papers if the requirement was a weekly group tutorial where you were expected to contribute verbally. It was my greatest fear for a long time.

Until finally, I decided I’d had enough of my fearful self. I wanted to speak with confidence, I wanted to share my voice and I wanted to be good. I joined a local Toastmasters group and it was life-changing. Every week I was invited to speak – to give a prepared talk, to give feedback to others or to chair the meeting. Monday was the night. On Sunday, I would begin to feel sick and by Monday afternoon I would be flushed, anxious, sweaty and wanting to pull out. I didn’t. I kept going every week until I began to look forward to it. I improved. I became a club mentor, helping other terrified souls move forward on their speaking path. Public speaking became my thing and I loved it.

It takes time, patience and commitment to overcome your fear and dread of public speaking. It’s not a one-off thing you do and yep, mastered that! It’s a skill and it requires practice, lots of it. Nervousness is a natural thing that happens before any performance whether it be giving a speech, running a marathon or attending a job interview. A bit of nervousness can actually help! It’s all about learning how to harness those nerves and allowing them to help you align your energy so as to speak with greater ease and confidence.

Is it time for you to confront your fear of public speaking? Is it time to start saying yes to those opportunities at work to facilitate groups, lead meetings, give that next presentation with confidence? Or to become a voice in your community for leadership and change? Or maybe it’s simply to address the deeply held limiting beliefs you hold about yourself as a confident speaker? When we begin to do something that truly terrifies us, it can be liberating, freeing, exciting.

Be brave! Find a mentor, a coach. Make some goals for yourself – small steps forward. Begin to think about yourself as a confident public speaker. Decide you will no longer be ‘tongue-tied and terrified’.

My Dad Died And I'm Trying To Figure Out How To Live

Sat, 13 Mar 2021 04:48:31 GMT

This is all about me but it might help you too!

My Dad died 6 months ago.

He had Esophageal cancer and cruelly starved to death — an emaciated, painful release. I sat beside him, witnessing, comforting, holding space for him to let go, leave.

It was a stoic death. He was brave.

It’s now my turn to be brave.

I’m not sure how I am. I look for role models. The feisty, vibrant barista whose 4-year-old son died of an insidious brain tumour. The courageous massage client living with the devastating death of her husband by suicide. My friend’s beautiful 19-year-old daughter, on her first big overseas adventure, discovered dead in her bed one morning by a flatmate.

I know my grief cannot compare to these experiences — to lose a child or a beloved partner. My father was 83 — a full life lived. The cancer had been part of his life for 3 years before he died. It was expected. I was prepared. And yet!

My grief is real. Palpable. A process to navigate. Unknown. Scary.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

My mind rattles on…

“What’s the purpose of life? What’s the point of living if you just die? Why bother? Hell, if I’m going to die then I’d better make sure I live with joy and happiness now! I don’t want to waste my life as it’s short. I need to enjoy my life. Have fun. Be creative. Do what I love. Relax. Stop striving for perfection. Lighten up. Do exactly what I want. Don’t take anything too seriously. I’m going to die anyway so it doesn’t really matter. None of it matters. It’s all fleeting.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah…

The reality is, I’m struggling. I can’t seem to hold onto any ideas or impetus to move forward. I feel a spark of motivation to do something, then it slides away. I look forward to hopping into bed with my laptop, chocolate, biscuits, anything sweet and a show to mindlessly escape into.

Then in disgust at myself, I make a new resolution to eat clean. I go to the gym. I make a new plan, Write my goals. Feel the spark of excitement that ‘I’m back’ and I can do anything I want because I’m strong and focused and amazing.

And then I’m not. I slide again. I slump into the place of no thought. Of dark, sweet comfort in my mouth and the soothing distraction of the screen.

Is this grief? Or depression?

HELP!!!!

If I was to very carefully create a plan forward it would look like this:

Be very very kind to myself.

It’s ok Lee. Your Dad just died. He’s been an anchor to you throughout your whole life. He rocked you to sleep. Told you the best bedtime stories. Fostered your love of the ocean, the mountains, the birds. It’s completely reasonable to miss him deeply, cry randomly and feel like just staying in bed!

It may not look how I think it should look.

I know there are stages of grief. I don’t know what stage I’m at or if it even matters. Last week I was feeling slightly fired up. I’d just finished watching a Netflix show and thought, “Right. I’m done with shows. I can do this.” The next day, I’m feeling light, joyful even. I’m driving to work and a Hall & Oates song comes on the radio. A surge of pain wells up and I’m a sobbing, heaving mess.

And that’s how it is.

Have no expectations.

I don’t know what to expect. I’m ok with that. I just want my energy back. Which is having an expectation of having great energy when maybe my body, my soul, my being is healing. And this may take time or not. I don’t know.

Make peace with not knowing.

Even writing this bit helps me feel a little lighter. This is a new experience, this ‘Death-of-my- Dad-Grief’ and unknowable in every way. As I soften around this idea of ‘not knowing’ my grief process, it feels more manageable, even very slightly exciting — an adventure with gifts and new lands awaiting discovery perhaps!

Appreciate the gifts of this experience.

I think the biggest gift so far has been this intense refining of who I am.

Who am I now that my father is gone? How do I want to live my life in a way that honours who I am and honours where I’ve come from? How do I want to create my life now? How can I contribute to the world in ways that bring joy to myself and others?

Grief and pain can help us to reflect upon our lives and to have more empathy, compassion and forgiveness towards others.

A surprising gift for me is I feel much more connected to my father’s family who all died before him. He was sexually abused by an older brother and I have harboured a burning rage towards this brother for many years. Over the past few months as my grief process unfolds, I’ve realised I need to release my anger and forgive this man.

He’s dead, my Dad’s dead. I’m still living. Why would I continue to poison myself with these rageful thoughts?!

My gift is now a feeling of peace and love towards ALL of my father’s family. It’s a relief.

Have hope.

As I write this, I feel a warm sparkle inside myself.

It’s hope.

Does Life Scare You?

leekelly.me@gmail.com (Lee Kelly) — Fri, 12 Mar 2021 08:43:42 GMT

Some things to remember when you’re feeling terrified of failure.

I recently had a conversation with my 21-year-old daughter.

She’s a 2nd-year student studying animation. It’s tough. Much more technical than she anticipated and being a perfectionist, she struggles with not receiving top marks. Her dream is to be involved in the film industry and a degree in animation is the path she has taken. Yet, she questions it. She wonders if it’s right for her.

She’s scared of failing, not only the course but of reaching her potential.

“Sometimes I’m just so scared I won’t achieve my goals — that I’m not good enough to reach my dreams.”

As I listened to her, even though there are 34 years between us, I thought, ‘touche’.

When do we ever not feel scared of life?

When do we ever feel we’ve ‘made it’, achieved all our goals, reached our dreams?

I don’t think it ever ends.

At 21, I often felt scared, a bit lost, uncertain. At 55, I’m still a bit scared, not so lost or uncertain, but often on the edge of, “Help, what’s next?”

So what are some ways to help with the fear of not achieving our goals and dreams?

Realise you’re not alone

Most people feel like this at some point in their lives.

Sometimes it never really goes away — lurking just beneath the surface.

It’s easy to look at others and think they have it all together — achieving all their goals, living their dreams with such ease.

I guarantee if you scratch a little below the surface of most people’s lives, there is fear and uncertainty. It may not be a lot, but it’ll be there.

Every human is striving for something — from the basic survival needs of finding food, shelter and warmth, to reaching their highest visions for life.

And that’s scary.

What if I starve?

How do I pay the rent, mortgage, power this month?

What if I’m mediocre?

What if I end up old, lonely, poor, sick, depressed?

You’re not alone.

Talk to someone about your fears. Be vulnerable. Let them share theirs.

Listen. Empathise. Laugh.

It will help you both.

Nothing is Wasted

My daughter worries she’s wasting her time doing a degree that may not be what she really wants to do.

In my 20’s I received a Diploma in Massage Therapy and worked as a massage therapist for several years. My path changed as I got married, had children and put my energies into other areas.

I joined Toastmasters, became passionate about public speaking and set up a business teaching public speaking within the corporate sector.

Ten years ago I went through a divorce, changed my lifestyle, left the city and moved to a small alpine village. Very quickly I needed to find a way to earn money. I saw an advert for a massage therapist in a day spa.

Now, I manage my own mobile massage business, offer public speaking coaching and travel overseas as a Tour Leader.

I’m surprised I’m still massaging. When I gave it up over twenty years ago I didn’t expect to still be doing it today!

Nothing is wasted.

Life is not predictable and we just don’t know how our learning and experiences will be utilised over the course of our lives.

Relax

It always works out. It really does. Sometimes not in the way or timing we expect.

But isn’t that the juice of life? Being surprised. The unexpected. The random events and experiences that shape our lives.

We often put incredible pressure on ourselves to reach our goals and to do so in the allocated time frames we create.

And then, we don’t. We do something else. Life goes in a different direction. We make different choices. Some good. Some foolish.

How do you judge that?

In the end, it’s all learning, growth, expansion. It’s life!

Relax and try to enjoy the process. And if this line makes you cringe, take a deep, slow breath in…and out…it’s all going to be ok.

Be Flexible

I have different specific goals and dreams now to what I had when I was younger. I dreamt of a career in television, an apartment of my own, a sporty car, world travel, a family, write a book.

Have I achieved these goals I had as a 20-year-old?

Yes and no.

I did own a sporty metallic blue BMW convertible mid-life-crisis car for a short period. I thought it would help me feel alive and free. It didn’t!

I now experience immense joy and freedom on my sleek, orangey-red mountain bike.

I have not had a career in television, but I work as a public speaking coach helping people find their authentic speaking voice and as an MC at events like weddings and conferences. Not quite TV presenting but using my presentation skills to bring information and inspiration to audiences.

I’ve never owned my own home or had an apartment but I’ve lived in some gorgeous houses with stunning views of lakes, mountains and nature.

Yes, I’ve created a family and mothered six children to adulthood. I didn’t plan to get divorced. It happened.

World travel? Plenty and my latest gig is a tour leader for a local company. One of my massage clients is the owner.

During one of our massage sessions, he asked,

“Would you like to run one of my tours?”

“Sure, where do you go?

“Where do you want to go?

“Africa?”

Last year I travelled to Africa as a tour leader! A safari in Kenya and Tanzania for three weeks with a group of seventeen awesome people. I didn’t plan that! I simply had a desire for ‘world travel’ and asked the question of the universe, ”How do I get to Africa?”

I haven’t written a book…yet. I’m writing on Medium. It’s a start!

I’m flexible with how my life pans out. This allows all sorts of possibilities to flow in.

Be flexible and be prepared to be deliciously surprised.

It’s OK to feel scared

Be kind to yourself when you feel scared. You’re not a failure or abnormal.

Take little steps forward.

Remember how far you’ve come and what you’ve achieved in life so far.

I reminded my daughter she’s almost finished her second year of the degree. I asked her what she’s really enjoying about it. Her voice lifted and she excitedly told me of the group projects she loves where her leadership abilities shine.

“And I can’t wait for next year when we work on real film sets and I can experience producing and directing.”

Feeling scared is a natural part of living.

It helps to remember when we feel fear around moving forward into something new, it’s because we’re expanding, growing, changing.

See it as a sign of progress, accept it’s inevitable, take a deep breath and step forward into your vision for yourself.

My daughter has discovered a line in a song she finds soothing to her fears and inspires her to keep going even when terrified of failure.

“If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough.”

(Life of Dillon — Dreams)

Do You Love Your Body?

Thu, 11 Mar 2021 00:18:35 GMT

I’m a Massage Therapist . I work with bodies. All sorts of bodies. Men, women, young, old, lean, chunky, wrinkled, toned, hairy, smooth, tight, relaxed. Many variations, all unique.

Recently I massaged one of my favourite clients. She makes me laugh and she loves my deep tissue techniques — elbows into her glutes and hammies so deep she’s gasping for breath. I always begin each massage with a foot massage — delicately stroking between each toe, firmer pressure on her soft instep and the sensitive reflexology points. I sweep up onto her beautifully proportioned calves and hamstrings, using my forearms for even pressure and flow. I move up and down the length of her legs, varying my depth, in a steady rhythm, feeling the muscles lengthen and relax.

I’ve always admired her legs — firm, well toned, muscular in an ‘I used to be an athlete’ kind of way. She did actually represent New Zealand in sport at some point in her youth!

At the end of the massage we’re randomly chatting and she says, “I hate my legs”.

“What?! Your legs are amazing! And you don’t even have any cellulite!!”

“Oh, yes I do. I have it everywhere!”

I’m flabbergasted! She literally has NO cellulite! NONE! But she thinks she does.

“And I’ve never, ever owned a pair of jeans. I refuse to wear them as my legs look terrible. I mean look at them, they’re so ugly and big.”

I’m in shock. This woman has seriously good legs. Mini skirt legs. Daisy from Dukes of Hazard legs. Legs that can wear tight denim shorts. Legs that I’ve always wanted. I hate MY legs!

So why is it we, mainly women, hate on our bodies so much? Why do we think certain parts of our bodies are so vile? How can my client think her legs are hideous when all I see is beauty? Is this body dysmorphia?

For most of us though, we usually have a certain part of our body that we dislike, that we wish was longer, leaner, smoother, smaller.

I once massaged a woman with extreme anorexia. I literally didn’t know how to work with her body — her muscles were completely wasted away and I was dealing with skin and bone. The worst part was, I was worried that she would be thinking that I was thinking she was fat! As I gently touched her body I realised I needed to change my thoughts and treat her body, ‘her’ with love and respect, no judgement. I poured love into that woman and it was a beautiful massage.

We relentlessly body shame ourselves and the perceptions we hold are often skewed. Yet, our bodies are incredible! They’re resilient, strong, intricate, capable and serve us tirelessly. It’s unfortunate we consistently abuse our bodies with our minds.

My 4-year-old granddaughter loves to dress up in her mother’s high shoes, paint lipstick on her lips, choose the pinkest, frilliest dresses from her closet and walk around like a princess. Not once does she examine her thighs in a mirror and refuse to wear shorts because her legs are ugly!

At what point does this change?

I’m not sure when I first felt shame about my body, when I began comparing myself to others and feeling like my body wasn’t good enough. That I was chubby. That my tummy stuck out. It may have been when I was around 8 years old. It was a school swimming sports day and I was waiting on the side of the pool before a race. A male teacher tapped me on my tummy and said, “that’s not very good”. I remember looking down at my little belly and feeling shocked. Was it bad? Was something wrong with me? I felt ashamed, self-conscious and embarrassed.

Maybe you’ve also had a moment of shame around your body where the words or actions of another caused you to feel inadequate and self-conscious. Or maybe it’s simply the effect of observing unrealistic images of women in magazines, in movies and online.

At what point do we choose to really love our bodies? Is it simply a matter of acceptance? Yes, I don’t have legs like Daisy Duke, but they are strong, sturdy legs that are awesome at mountain biking and look great in my long, black suede boots!

I massage a woman who loves her body. At the beginning of each session I ask, “how’s your body?” Her replies are always affirming. “My body is amazing”, “I’m just loving my curves”, “I feel fabulous”. And she is all woman — curvy, voluptuous, and with cellulite! Her gratitude and appreciation for her body teaches me to love and appreciate mine.

Sitting With My Dying Dad

Wed, 10 Mar 2021 04:48:28 GMT

He helped me come into the world — I’m helping him to leave

I sit beside his bed, watching, waiting.

I’m his firstborn, only daughter. Our bond, unshakeable, immense, complex. “No-one loves me as much as you, Dad”. “Yes…that's true”.

He says I was difficult at times. I would stand up and shake the bars of my cot until I received his attention. He was difficult too!

I remember his bear hugs. I would stand on my bed, enveloped in his broad chest and he would squeeze me tight. I felt safe. Loved.

He had a stutter. It was most prevalent when he was upset or angry. I’ve always felt protective when he struggled to say what he wanted.

Sent to boarding school at a young age. Is that when the stutter began? Or was it the bullying perpetrated by an older brother?

Singing was his solace. A deep, rich baritone. No stutter when he sang in choirs, only joy. Panis Angelicus, Handels Messiah, Mozart, Albinoni, a rich heritage of music enriched his life, and mine.

I will miss his voice.

And his hands. Sturdy, fleshy, skilled. A master craftsman, an engraver, a leather craft tool maker. Meticulous and patient. A smoky workshop, he liked his nicotine, moments we would spend talking, or not. The quiet was comfortable with my father.

83 years of life. A short time really. What did he learn? To be creative every day. To forgive. To long suffer the injustices and appreciate the birds, the simple joys — the monarch butterfly in the back garden, the blackbird perched on the wooden rail each morning, the satisfaction of completing a task, solitude, the mountains.

“Will you come and visit me…when you're gone?” “Yes, in the birds!”

I sit here in the hospital stroking his head, watching his breath, holding his hands…it’s like being with a newborn. I feel so much love, compassion, and fierce protection.

It’s hard work to die. Like a birth. Breathing. Labouring. The body shutting down. An opening to something else? My father is steadfast. He doesn't want to cause a bother. But I am with him. I watch him. I measure his breaths, I watch the small flutter of pulse in his neck. I am vigilant. I will be here when his labour ends. This is my work and my privilege.

My father deserves to leave this life with immense gentle kindness and respect for the giant of a man he has been.

My beautiful father Noel Leopold Kelly died on August 31st, 2020

I’m OK To Be Alone

leekelly.me@gmail.com (Lee Kelly) — Tue, 09 Mar 2021 08:43:42 GMT

I’m OK to be alone. Are you?

I’m OK to be alone.

I’m OK to live my life fully — strong, centred, connected, free.

I’m Ok to say “Yes” to myself and “No” to situations, people, energies that are not right for me.

I’m OK to sleep by myself every night.

I’m OK to tenderly care for myself, love myself and gently forgive myself as I learn.

I’m OK to have a partner in my life or to not have a partner in my life.

I’m OK alone, I’m OK in partnership.

I’m OK and accepting of whatever is in my life or not.

I understand that I am the creator of everything in my experience. I am responsible.

I’m OK with this. I’m relaxed. I’m trusting in my life.

I am my own best lover.

Feeling Envious? Get Back In Your Lane

Sun, 07 Mar 2021 21:23:45 GMT

Sometimes I struggle to feel good about myself.

I see other people achieving amazing things, creating financial success, running lucrative businesses, writing books, experiencing travel, freedom, adventure. The crazy thing is, I’m doing many of these things, yet still often feel on a back foot.

I feel envious. An insidious little sick feeling just up under my ribs. In my solar plexus.

It can be challenging when I observe other women living in a way that seems more fun, more exciting and more expansive than my life.

Why is that?

It seems that I’m the most affected when I’m feeling stuck or unfulfilled. When I’m in my flow, doing what I love, feeling excited, alive, inspired — then I really don’t care. I’m completely in my own lane, living my life, my way, with JOY.

If I feel sick, as a little bubble of envy rises up, then I know I’m not in my groove. I’m a tad off centre, out of alignment with myself. I compare and come off worse! I’m old, boring, stuck.

Facebook is the killer.

When I’m feeling invincible, strong, content, Facebook doesn’t faze me. I scroll through my feed and feel happy for the smiling, fit, beautiful people on overseas holidays to Fiji, Hawaii, Europe. I feel inspired by posts from women achieving their goals and promoting their success.

I send them love and good wishes, knowing I’m on my own journey. There’s no comparing and competition, no envy, there’s enough goodness to go around.

When I’m feeling insecure, off balance, stressed, out of alignment — Facebook is torturous. Everyone’s life seems so much better than mine. I must be a failure. I’m not vlogging. I’m not in Hawaii. I’m not anything.

What’s wrong with me?

I recently deactivated my facebook account. What a relief. I don’t miss it. AT ALL. I feel free of the pressure to check it, to post something worthwhile, to document my latest adventure, life success, meaningful moment or bodily event.

I’ve forgotten my password. That’s a relief too. It’s way too much bother to reset a new one, so I won’t.

I have a wonderful friend, a meditation teacher, a grounded, giant of a woman in terms of her wisdom and understanding. She treads very lightly on the earth.

She has no problem with facebook. She uses it simply as a tool for information, for inspiration, for promoting her business, for sharing uplifting stories and videos with her friends and clients.

I’ve never seen her post a photo of herself. This just wouldn’t occur to her. It’s not about her. It’s not about a need to be validated by a Facebook ‘like’.

I believe she uses Facebook wisely. She’s internally driven without a need for external praise and acclaim. Envy is not her struggle.

I can learn from this.

If I’m not fully feeling good about myself — doing what I love, creating my unique brand of life magic — then I can easily compare, judge and slide into a little self-pitying hole. It helps to look at the person or situation of envy with fresh eyes and to ask some honest questions.

What is it about this person that’s triggering my feelings of low self-esteem and envy?

What can I learn from this person who’s apparently doing something I’m not and that I’m envious of?

What is it I’m lacking in my life?

What is it I need to be doing right now?

I need to get over myself, celebrate the success of another, learn from what they’re doing so well and be humble enough to recognise what I need to do to change.

As a mother of six children, I was always trying to figure out how to make it fair for everyone so that no one would miss out on their needs being met. I realised this was impossible to do as each child had completely different needs, desires and expectations. And there was only one of me!

When one child was receiving more attention in whatever way was needed, I would say to the other’s, “It’s ok, it’s your sister’s turn to get new clothes. Your turn will come. You won’t miss out. So be happy for your sister and she’ll be happy for you when it’s your turn.” This worked perfectly.

There’s enough of everything to go around

There is no lack

You will not miss out

I apply this to my life now.

When I feel that disgusting envious feeling deep inside, I ask myself where it is I’m feeling a lack. I probe a little deeper and unearth what it is I need to bring into my life right now.

Do I need to create more fun, laughter, joy?

Do I need to do something that really expands me?

Recently, the town I live in hosted a Women’s Conference. I looked at the line up of speakers — all incredible women with influential roles in New Zealand and also some women from the local area.

I felt a twinge inside — I would love to be sharing my voice with these women, my stories, my learnings. I haven’t been asked to speak but I have a desire to. Do I wait to be asked? Do I feel resentful and bad because I’m not? Do I shut down with envy?

I discovered 'Medium', an online writing platform.

I’m writing.

Sharing my voice.

Expanding.

And it’s outrageously good!

This is a world of abundance and you are the creator of your beautiful reality. No need to compare yourself with others.

Stay in your lane and thrive.

Sometimes You're So Stroppy

Sat, 06 Mar 2021 21:23:50 GMT

Hormone hell is a real thing!

We’re in a cafe, ordering. I specifically ask for a ‘large single shot almond mocha’. I know, it’s complicated. The girl asks me if it’s a single shot of coffee or chocolate!

We sit down. The drinks are brought to the table. Mine’s a regular! I say to the girl, “I ordered a large”. My partner says, “No, you didn’t”. She goes to check. A regular was ordered.

I feel annoyed. Not because it’s a regular. But because my partner told me I didn’t say ‘large’. I know what I said as it’s what I always have.

We sit in frosty silence, reading bits of the newspaper. I’m still annoyed. It feels unreasonable, my annoyance. I’m annoyed that I’m annoyed. I start to add up the price to discover whether we were charged for a large. An extra 50 cents! This is not like me. This is crazy! I usually couldn’t care less. I ask my partner how much it cost as he paid. He gets frustrated and tells me to “stop it”.

I react. I slam down my cup. The mocha sloshes over into the saucer.

And then he says, “Sometimes you’re so stroppy.”

‘STROPPY’?!!!

‘Bad tempered and argumentative’ says Google dictionary.

What triggered my ‘strop’? The ineptitude of the girl who took my order? That I didn’t get a large? Being told to ‘stop it’ or that I didn’t say what I know I said?

Why was I so ‘stroppy’ on this particular day? Cantankerous, hypercritical, quick to anger, judgemental?

Hormones.

Yes, hormones can wreak havoc on our minds and bodies. But it’s a choice as to how we allow them to control our thoughts and behaviour.

I’d like to say that as I’ve aged and gone through the cycles of my life so far — puberty, fertility, pregnancy, childbirth, peri-menopause and now menopause — that I’ve learned how to manage my emotional turbulence, crazy outbursts and stroppiness!

I have not.

It’s a continual struggle as my body keeps changing. New challenges, different hormonal configurations, side effects. All women experience this.

A phone call from my daughter, “Mum, I don’t know what’s wrong. I was doing really well and now I’m not. Nothings working out and I had a big meltdown yesterday.”

“Are you due for your period?”

“OH…yeah!”

It doesn’t matter how old you are, once those hormones kick in, the ride is wild! I’m more aware now of how my mood and behaviour is affected by hormonal changes. If I’m particularly snappy and witchy, or just feeling like I want to go to bed forever, I can sometimes catch myself and logically think, ‘Oh, I’m just going through a bit of hormonal hell — it will pass.’

More often than not, I’m caught out like my ‘stroppy’ episode in the cafe that escalated into, ‘Right, this relationship is over! I’m leaving! I’d rather be alone!’. If I don’t soothe myself with a thought like, ‘Ah, that’s right, I’m also having some hot sweats in bed at night, it’s just hormonal and that’s why I’m feeling like a crazy madwoman!’, then my mind can spin downwards into a vortex of negative toxicity. Thoughts that can be totally delusional, destructive and hopeless.

‘I hate my life’,‘Life is just so hard’, ‘I can’t cope’, ‘What’s wrong with me?’,‘I’m completely overwhelmed’, ‘No-one cares about me’, ‘I’m terrible at relationships’, ‘I don’t know how to keep going’, ‘I’m so useless’.

We can all have these thoughts, men and women, regardless of our bodily state. It’s just harder to rein our minds in when our bodies are suffering from a hormonal imbalance.

So what can you do when you’re feeling anxious, irritated, overwhelmed and grumpy — sore and bloated waiting for your period, enduring vicious peri-menopausal mood swings or inconvenient, menopausal hot flushes?

BE VERY, VERY KIND TO YOURSELF

This may be the hardest thing to do when you’re feeling so bad about yourself.

Take yourself out of the game. Nurture yourself. Have a hot bath. Go to bed early. Allow yourself to retreat. It’s ok. The world will cope without you for a while.

One of my daughters is very aware of when she needs to take herself off to bed. And does so without apology. I admire that. Sometimes it’s hard to do what we most need to do. It takes wisdom to know when to fill ourselves up to regain our zest and energy. Do what works for you.

Exercise has always been my secret weapon. I love to sweat it out — a bike ride, run, walk, gym workout, yoga, dance, whatever I’m up for and what my body can cope with. Without exercise, my mind can become a twisted mess. When I move my body, endorphins are released. This helps to calm and ease my anxiety and to create a happier, more balanced state of mind.

If exercise is not your thing then you could try meditation, eating chocolate, laughing and sex — all great at producing an endorphin high. We often crave chocolate when experiencing hormonal imbalances, yet, an orgasm, which may seem like a ridiculous idea when you’re feeling like scratching your eyes out, may be the best remedy!

Say sorry to your friends, family, partner, kids, colleagues if you’ve been difficult. Acknowledge where your body’s at and gracefully remove yourself from situations that stress you out. If you can’t get away, take a pause — in the bathroom, in the back garden, in your car! Wherever you can be alone to take a deep breath and reset. I’ve hidden in many toilets over my life, crouched on the seat, wrestling with the turmoil within, “Get out of the toilet! You can do this. Get up and go. NOW!”

I have a friend who has a problem forgetting people’s names, even friends she knows really well. Instead of beating herself up or getting embarrassed when it happens, she just laughingly says, “Oops sorry, I’m just having a menopausal moment.”

As I’m writing this my pre-menstrual daughter calls me again.

“Mum……..I think I’m having a panic attack…I can’t breathe…”

“Have you got your period yet?”

“Yeeesssss… I got it today.” Deep sobbing and sniffling, uneven breathing. She’s really not doing very well. Luckily, I’m out of my ‘I’m-going-to-walk-into-the-lake-fully-clothed-and-not-come-out’ hormonally challenged week! I can empathetically listen, not feel like I’ve totally screwed up as a mother and give support.

“Oh, that’s good. Just breath…take a deep breath. You’re doing really well. Everything’s going to be ok.”

“I know…it’s amazing how quickly happiness can wear off!”

Yep — hormones!

No Thanks, I Don't Want To Go To A Botox Party

Thu, 04 Mar 2021 21:32:27 GMT

Is it really ok to temporarily paralyse facial muscles to look younger?

I recently received an online invitation to a Botox Party.

‘Botox and Bubbles’ it read. On it was outlined some of the procedures that I could receive from a ‘licensed professional’ whilst I drank champagne and ate hors-d’oeuvres.

Botox? And at a party with alcohol?

Maybe I’m old school or overly cautious, but if I was to even consider getting injected in my face with a substance made from a neurotoxin called Botulinum toxin, it would be in a clinic — sterile, professional and highly recommended.

I’m 55. People constantly tell me I look younger. Most weeks someone will comment on my skin, “You look so vibrant, what do you use?”. Or, “Have you had some work done?”

Of course, I feel flattered and appreciate the comments.

I take care of myself and I’ve always looked after my skin — I cleanse, use moisturiser, face tint with sunblock, hats and sunglasses in the sun. I drink a load of water, limited alcohol and coffee. I’m fit and exercise at least 4 times a week, get 8 hours sleep most nights and manage my stress levels by being vigilant about how much I ‘do’ every day.

Ten years ago I was offered a Botox treatment. I was beginning to notice fine lines developing at the corner of my eyes and on my forehead so it seemed timely. A friend booked us into a clinic, then I began to feel uneasy.

Was it safe to have Botox injections in my face?

How did I really feel about having some of my facial muscles temporarily paralysed?

What if I had an adverse reaction like drooping eyelids or unwanted paralysis in nearby muscles?

Wasn’t my plan to age gracefully — embracing my laughter lines and wrinkles as they formed?

I googled women who had Botox, before and after shots. It certainly made a difference, initially subtle.

Then I discovered images of women who had been using it for many years and other treatments like Restylane facial fillers and they looked terrible - puffy, bloated, smooth, plastic and ALL THE SAME. No expression, bland, boring faces.

Did I want to look like that?

No!

I cancelled my appointment.

I’m not against anyone doing what they feel is right for them and if its Botox, then go for it.

What I am dubious about is, why are women doing it?

Is it the fear of getter older, looking less desirable and sexy, lined and wrinkled?

Is it the motivation to pretend we are something other than what we are — ageing women?

Is it pressure to conform to a standard of youthfulness so as to be seen as eternally young?

Are we seduced by the often unrealistic images of women portrayed by the media — movies, magazines?

Airbrushed perfection, glacial smoothness.

Or we do it because its what our friends do, what other women do, what is now seen as an increasingly ‘normal’ experience for many women?

I have a friend who is battling stage 4 cancer. 18 months ago her body was riddled with tumours and she was given a few months to live.

She is still alive, deeply caring for and nurturing her body. Clean eating, fresh, organic whole food combined with a protocol of traditional and alternative treatments to help her to live.

It’s been an incredibly stressful time and her face has aged. She now has deeper lines and wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Amazingly, she looks younger. Her energy is clear and she radiates health and vitality, even though she’s fighting cancer.

What’s remarkable to me is that nowhere in her protocol for ‘living’ is there a special place reserved for Botox treatments to cover up and hide her ageing face. The developing lines and wrinkles are just not important and actually add to her beauty and radiance. Her spirit to live is strong and it creates the youthful vitality that shines so powerfully from her.

When faced with her mortality, only the most essential things for her survival, joy and happiness are maintained.

I don't believe Botox injections is one of them.

I was walking with a friend today sharing my ideas for a story about Botox. I had a rant about how I was so against it and why are women so foolish as to think its a good idea and why do women submit to doing crazy things for the sake of beauty, or fear of getting old etc, etc…

My friend gently pulled me up and asked if I dye my hair.

Well..yes, but I use organic hair dye.

She then told me how recent studies are linking hair dye to causing cancer and I have to be careful not to judge and castigate others for their choice to use Botox when I’m also making choices that could be potentially harmful to my body.

Why am I dying my hair?

Fear of looking old? Not appearing youthful? Being less desirable?

YES.

Actually, I just feel better with dark hair — I have some silvery, grey streaks coming through which I am loving but I’m not ready to go completely grey!

So yes, yes, yes I want to keep looking and feeling as youthful as I can.

Which I guess is how women getting botox must feel!

Botox is not for me and no thanks , I don’t want to attend any Botox parties.

There are some things I draw the line at and voluntarily paralysing facial muscles to hide lines and wrinkles is one of them.

What I Learned From Massaging An Obese Woman

Thu, 04 Mar 2021 21:23:46 GMT

I’ve massaged lots of overweight people, but she was obese.

As she stood in front of me, I met her eyes and searched in my heart for the openness and acceptance I’d need for this massage. I wanted her to feel safe.

But I was freaking out!

Would the massage table be strong enough? Would she fit on it? What if it collapsed? She was huge!

I left the room to allow her time to get on the table and calmed myself. Deep breaths.

I entered the room. Her body was spread over the table. Overlapping, everywhere, soft wobbly flesh.

I began to massage her, navigating the expanse of her enormous back. It was the biggest, fattest body I’d ever touched.

Then I found my rhythm, I tuned into the contours of her back. I swept over the deep creases between the rolls of fat. I began to appreciate the beauty of her form, the softness of her skin, the malleability, the fullness, the receptiveness of her body.

My strokes moved in harmony with her breath. I sent love and energy through my hands. There was no revulsion, no judgement, no fear. Simply the connection of my hands on another human being.

When the massage ended, I left the room to give her time to dress.

I felt relief. And shame that I’d initially reacted so badly to her size. She was a beautiful person who seemed completely comfortable in her body. But I didn’t know this for sure.

Often very overweight clients will apologise for their size or make a comment about it. “I hope this is a strong table?” or “I know, there’s a lot of me.” I imagine there’s a fear of being judged by the therapist, that they’ll be grossed out by the excess weight.

I always try and look beyond the external appearance and yes, to massage an obese person requires lots of energy. It’s about being receptive to what that person or body needs. I find athletes with hard, muscly bodies just as much work.

As I watched her walk away that day, I felt happy I’d given her such a lovely massage, gotten over myself and my worries about her size.

I was also really impressed by her ease and acceptance of her body — no apologies or side comments.

I don’t know how she felt about her body. All I know is the experience of massaging her caused me to reflect upon the warped perception I often have of my own body.

Regardless of my size or weight on the scales, one of my biggest challenges is to feel good about my body. It’s a daily battle to look in the mirror and really like or even LOVE what I see. I know I’m not alone. Most women I know are unhappy with their bodies.

I have a friend with a beautiful body. She doesn’t think so!

She’s on a constant quest to lose those ‘5 extra kilo’s’. I’ve been hearing this from her for over 20 years! Over that time she has resorted to liposuction twice, a tummy tuck, and two boob jobs. And she’s always on some sort of diet plan.

Is she any happier with her body?

I’m not against anyone getting help to improve their body shape — cosmetic surgery can do amazing things for some people. What concerns me is the constant seeking for more and when that one more thing is achieved, only then will you be happy with your body.

There are so many disturbing trends developing. It’s not just a boob or nose job now, it’s becoming way more intricate. Chopping off bits of labia in a labiaplasty is now a popular option particularly with younger women.

A woman who recently underwent a labiaplasty says,

“We’re in this body positive era which is great, but we’re looked down upon if we want to change something,” she said. “If you can do something that is going to make you happier, why wouldn’t you do that?”

How about choosing to love and accept your body now? How about digging deep and finding your happiness from within? How about realising your body may never be 5 kgs lighter? Or that your labia is perfect as it is?

Maybe it’s time to give up the endless worrying and wasted moments of wishing you had a different body.

I have a daughter who struggles with her weight.

I affirm her by focussing on who she is, her gifts, her inner beauty. Teaching her that she is so much more than her external appearance. She’s gorgeous.

She worries about getting a boyfriend.

“I see other big women with boyfriends, so I know it’s not about my size. It’s about feeling good about myself regardless of my weight.”

And that’s the truth of it.

Regardless of our body size or appearance,

it’s how we feel about ourselves that matters.

I have another friend who is very overweight and loves to wear close-fitting jumpsuits. She looks incredible. Her bum is ginormous! And I can’t take my eyes off it. It’s so sexy. She rocks it, completely. No shame. Just glorious, curvy, voluptuous woman.

We are so much more than we appear, so much more than our physical body.

The real gift we can give another is to see beyond the external appearance. To not judge, condemn or criticize because they look fat, weird or different from us.

The gift we can give to ourselves is self-love and acceptance. To look in the mirror and say,

“Hey body, you’re so beautiful.

Thank you for sustaining me.

I’m lucky to have you.”

How Do You Feel About Cellulite?

Wed, 03 Mar 2021 21:23:49 GMT

I have six kids.

One boy, five girls. A set of twins.

I have spent 3.75 years pregnant.

4 years breastfeeding.

And I stand in front of the mirror and give my body grief!

Oohhh, is my tummy beginning to droop? Is that a gunt? Disgusting!

What?! The cellulite on my legs is travelling. Down to my knees. That’s so gross!

Are my boobs getting floppier? Should they be sitting higher on my chest? Maybe they’re saggy? Are they?

I think my bum’s dropping? Is it? I need to do more lunges.

I refuse to let my partner see me from behind when I’m unclothed. He doesn’t know this. I’m so strategic! We were chatting about bodies the other day and I mentioned I hate my cellulite to which he replied, “Do you have any? I haven’t noticed.”

He’s either a really smart guy or my ‘gently back away, don’t turn around strategy when naked’ is working! Realistically, he knows my body completely, cellulite included! Does he love me any less? No!

I’m 54.

I have an incredible body. I know that, mostly. Inside, I’m still as insecure as anyone.

If I’m swimming, I always have a towel wrapped around my waist until I reach the waters edge. I quickly drop it and dive in. It’s safely there for me to cover up again when I get out. Another strategy!

I mean, who’s really going to be looking at me?

Who really cares? I’m not auditioning for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, yet, it almost feels like I am. And I’m the critic. I’m the squinting, harsh, judging eye observing every little fat dimple on the back of my legs.

What am I so self-conscious about? So ashamed of?

My CELLULITE!

The only time I’ve ever been cellulite-free as a grown woman was after the birth of my 4th child. I was super fit, taught aerobics classes at the local gym and was a mum to four kids under four! I barely had time to think, let alone eat!

I did a major detox fast. Boiled cabbage broth consumed over a week. I was vomiting by day five. It was too much for my body. I didn’t mind — I lost 5 kgs and my legs were sleek!

I would stand in front of the mirror — actually, I would back up to the mirror marvelling at the smooth, cellulite-free expanse of my rear thighs. No nasty fatty dimples or bulges. Such relief. Perhaps even a moment of joy.

The rest of my body was just skinny and unhealthy. Small, shrunken boobs from a healthy 36C cup to tiny 34A’s. I was constantly sick.

Was I any happier without cellulite? Superficially, yes. But it was impossible to maintain. My body likes being around 65kgs. My boobs are naturally full. I’ve always had a rounded tummy and hips. I have strong, solid legs and calves. I’m curvy. I’m a woman.

Why do we dislike cellulite so much? Why is it airbrushed out of every photo of women in magazines? Why do we sometimes literally starve ourselves to eliminate it from our bodies?

I have five daughters. All different shapes and sizes. They’re in their twenties — fit, healthy, strong and they all have differing degrees of cellulite in different places on their bodies. My mother is still alive, vibrant, healthy at 75. She too has cellulite. She’s had it for as long as I can remember. It’s never seemed to bother her.

I’m a Massage Therapist and most of the women I massage have cellulite. It’s NORMAL. I massage an ex-model. She has the most beautiful, long, lean, toned legs. I’m in love with her legs. They’re genetic — her sister has them as does her daughter. AND…lately, I’ve noticed some little bits of dimpling. What a relief!

I’ve learned to make peace with my cellulite, sort of. I still do the back -up manoeuvre. Maybe I’ll stop doing that. Maybe that’s my commitment to myself that it’s time to change. Maybe, next time I go swimming I’ll walk to the waters edge without a towel. I’ll stand there for a moment, take a deep breath, give thanks to my beautiful body and dive in.

What Is Menopause Doing To My Body?

Tue, 02 Mar 2021 21:23:29 GMT

I used to know my body.

I appreciated it’s cycles, it’s rhythms, it’s predictability. I knew when I was ovulating — a deep ache in my lower groin.

I’d feel aroused.

I had a monthly period, it was always on time, ‘regular’, light. The week before my period I’d feel bloated, bitchy, untouchable.

My period would end and the cycle would begin again. I would eagerly wait for my body to enter the lush, fertile few weeks mid-cycle. Sex was easy then. I wanted it and my body was ripe and orgasmic.

Now… I’m ‘menopausal’.

AND MY CLITORIS FEELS NUMB?!

I told my partner. He was horrified.

“What… it can’t be totally numb, can it? Surely there’s some sensation?”

‘Numb — deprived of sensation, without feeling, numbed, benumbed, dead, deadened, desensitized.’ Google Dictionary

It’s numb.

I’m only 54.

I’m fit, healthy, vibrant, sexy and I will NOT put up with a numb clitoris.

I googled desperately. The news was not good. Some women’s clitoris and labia shrink during menopause.

I can cope with mood swings, hot flushes, night sweats, weight gain, bigger boobs, brain fuzz. I cannot cope with a shrunken clitoris.

That’s just cruel.

I examined myself carefully. Was it smaller? I wasn’t sure. But it still had NO sensation. Stroking my ankle felt more pleasurable.

I needed help!

I booked in to see a local doctor, a woman a few years older than me. I hoped she would have some secret remedy or words of wisdom that didn’t involve going on medication.

As soon as I mentioned ‘clitoris’ and ‘orgasm’ she blanked on me. Nothing! No comment, no flicker of interest, nothing!

I was baffled.

Was this something women don’t talk about? Was it inappropriate for me to bring it up?

Was I a freak? Abnormal? Doomed to never have another orgasm?

Who could help me?

I didn’t think it was simply a matter of getting a multi-purpose vibrator, trying a new position or slapping on some wonder cream. My body felt out of alignment.

I felt I was lacking a necessary ingredient for helping a clitoris behave normally.

I decided to see an old Chinese acupuncturist, who is known in the area as ‘The Chinaman’.

I arrived at his clinic — a quirky, blue weatherboard house perched on the side of a hill.

“What your problem?” he asked me.

“Ahhh, well… I still feel like sex but there’s no sensation… down there!”

“I help. I make sexy again”

He then put an acupuncture needle in the right side of my clitoris. And left it there for an hour.

There was sensation .

Oh yeah!

I couldn’t wait to get home and try out my awakened body.

BEST ORGASM in months!

I wanted to go back the next day but unfortunately had to wait a week.

When I arrived The Chinaman said, “I no needle there today. We need open your kidney channel. You shut down below. We open you and make young again.”

I was disappointed. I wanted that needle in exactly the same spot. I wanted my body to feel easy and open. I wanted my clitoris to be as responsive as it was when I was 16.

Instead, he carefully placed needles down my abdomen and in my ankles. After a few minutes, I could feel the energy begin to flow.

“You wait. No sex for two days. Let energy build.”

It worked. Less intense this time but my channel was definitely open.

It’s mostly stayed open since that first awakening. Sometimes I still lose my orgasm. But I visit the Chinaman for some acupuncture to re-balance my energy.

It’s always effective.

He suggested I drink Epimedium Tea commonly known as Horny Goat Weed. I ordered a big bag of dried epimedium leaves and brew up a pot every few days. I’ve found this to be awesome for my libido and energy levels.

I make my partner drink it too and I’m pretty happy with the result!

Menopause is a damn hard time for most women.

Our bodies betray us in many ways. I feel like I’m constantly relearning my body and just when I think I’ve got it sorted, my clitoris loses sensitivity or I have a week of sheet soaking night sweats.

Why is menopause so hard for women?

Apart from all the physical symptoms and changes, it’s a feeling of loss.

Loss of the familiar, loss of fertility, loss of libido, loss of control, loss of youth. It signifies a transition into another stage of life.

“It’s the Crone stage”, my I-know-everything-about-menopause friend told me gleefully.

CRONE?!

This makes me think of an old, wrinkled witch with a hair-sprouting-mole on her chin! The popular definition today is more empowering:

‘A “Croning” is a ritual rite of passage into an era of wisdom, freedom, and personal power. Some feminist authors have defined the crone archetype in a positive light, as a powerful and wise old woman’

I don’t want to get old!

I don’t want to lose my youthful energy and vigour.

I don’t want to lose my orgasm. And I definitely don’t want to be a crone, yet!

But I am! I’m ageing. My body’s changing.

It’s inevitable.

So how can women navigate menopause?

How can we make this transition with patience and grace? How do we cope with the unpredictable changes that come upon our bodies?

How do we continue to feel good about ourselves?

Get help

As a massage therapist, I treat many women going through menopause. The most common thing I hear is,

“I’m having terrible hot flushes. I’m finding it so hard to cope.”

I ask what they’re doing to help.

“Oh not much really, I’m trying out some herbs, I think they’re helping. The flushes can’t go on for much longer, can they?”

Hot Flushes can last for years.

Why would you want to endure that when there are great therapies and remedies available. Explore the options.

Be open.

Talk to someone. Find a doctor or alternative therapist that is supportive of you and your desire to find solutions.

I now have an awesome woman doctor who I’ve explored whether to take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) or not. I feel completely non-judged by her as I make decisions for my body.

I use bio-identical hormone therapy — hormone creams which are created specifically for my body after a saliva test to determine my hormone levels. I was completely deficient in testosterone, progesterone, and was oestrogen dominant. This imbalance was creating havoc in my body.

Using the hormone creams, and receiving acupuncture to rebalance my energy and restore my libido, has been life-changing.

Be creative. Explore everything. Your experience of menopause is unique to you as will be what helps you cope.

A 49-year-old friend is just beginning to go through menopause. She finds herself wanting to cry over ridiculous things.

At lunch with a friend, she received a salad with leaves of uncut kale in it. She likes kale to be finely cut. Her eyes began to brim with tears and she thought, “This is not me, it’s got to be biological. I don’t cry over uncut kale!”

She’s a meditation teacher and finds the daily practice of stilling her mind helpful in dealing with overwhelming emotion and random tears.

Don’t give up on your body or yourself. Get the help you need. No-one should endure the misery of hormonal imbalance.

Don’t settle for it.

Some women swear by HRT. Other women swear never to use it and prefer alternative treatments. Do your own research. Be proactive.

Talk to other women.

Women who have gone through menopause — ask them what they did to cope.

I have a friend who is 78 — you wouldn’t think so. She looks incredible, is fit, healthy, intelligent and still enjoys an active sex life with her much younger lover.

“Oh sometimes it takes a bit longer to have an orgasm,” she says.

Great orgasms at 78! She gives me hope.

Another older friend said,

“I had terrible vaginal dryness but I just used some oestrogen cream and lots of lube! Sex is still good — I just have to be more prepared and help my body along.”

Other women have spoken about how great it is to be free of monthly bleeding and the relief of not having to buy sanitary products.

Or the freedom of not having to worry about getting pregnant.

I’m inspired by older women who age gracefully, embrace their changing bodies and allow their inner beauty to shine.

I would like to be at peace with my body and its process of change.

Make peace with your body

I’ve been with my current partner for five years — we met when I was 49, perimenopausal and on the cusp of the full onslaught.

He’s been endlessly patient with me as I’ve had to relearn my body.

What I’ve discovered is that I need endless patience with myself and my body.

Plus, I have to be really open to communicating my needs. This is the same at any age when being sexually intimate. It becomes especially important when your body is not behaving in the way you want or expect.

Sometimes midway through a sexual encounter, I realise my body is just not going to get over its hump and reach orgasm. I’ll say something like,

“Hey, I don’t think I’m going to come… it’s still feeling really good”.

This allows us both to relax into the experience rather than the pressure of me ‘trying’ to push my body to have an orgasm.

I’ve had to release my expectations around sex, always having an orgasm and the fairness of my partner having one when I don’t. It’s not from a lack of trying, just my body being unpredictable.

It’s about accepting my body.

This week, my body is in a low-flow place. I’m tired, flat, grumpy, unorgasmic. I feel annoyed with life. And I get scared that this is it, my reality for the rest of my life.

The best thing I can do is remind myself that ‘this too shall pass’ .

My body always comes back online. I can just relax, be patient, be nurturing and kind to myself.

That’s often the hardest thing to do.

Nurture Yourself

How does this look for you?

For me its:

Running a deep, hot bath with candles.

Sitting in the sun, reading a book.

Getting a massage, a facial, pedicure, acupuncture — giving my body some love and attention.

Going to the gym, a walk, run or bike ride — moving my body, stretching, sweating.

Meeting up with a friend for lunch, a movie, a laugh.

Taking time to write in my journal, ponder my life, meditate, visualise, create.

Telling myself I’m amazing and it’s all going to be ok.

Asking for what I need from my partner — time alone, a hug, a foot rub, sex.

It’s always something simple.

To survive menopause, it has to become all about YOU.

What do you need now in your life? What does your body need?

How can you best nurture yourself?

I refuse to succumb to feeling disgusting. Every day I do little things to help me cope with my body and it’s changing needs. I’ve become more attuned to what my body is needing.

I ask, “How am I feeling today?” Tired? Worried? Stressed? Low energy? Sore? Anxious?

I take action.

If I feel anxious, tired, low energy and I’m sexually unresponsive then I need a charge of energy.

What’s my strategy?

I’ll book in for acupuncture. I’ll lighten my massage load for a few days. I may take a day off.

Or maybe I need a saliva test to check my hormone levels? I’m struggling to achieve orgasm so my oestrogen levels could be too high.

I’ll have a deep bath, go to bed early. Or I’ll exercise. Clear my mind, get the energy moving.

Menopause is a challenging time. It can be debilitating.

Figure out your strategy.

The Gifts

There are many gifts that come with this stage in a woman's life.

A 58-year-old massage client says,

“It’s helped me to slow down — it does have a ‘pause’ in it!”

A competent businesswoman, she was afflicted with terrible anxiety and ended up requiring some time on medication to cope. She was forced to lighten her workload, step down from several boards and restructure her life.

She sees this as a gift and an opportunity for change.

The biggest ‘gift’ for me is that I’m having to really give my body some attention. I can no longer exist on little sleep or eat a load of sugar. To have the vibrancy and energy I want requires more diligence and my body soon lets me know if I’ve been slack.

I’m learning patience with myself. I no longer choose to rush about trying to please everyone. I have to honour my needs and communicate with others clearly what they are.

This takes courage.

I feel less need to impress others, to strive to be the best, be perfect. I’m more interested in supporting younger people to achieve their goals and dreams. I don’t need to be the person up front ‘doing it all’.

But I do have a desire to share my voice with the world, what I’ve learned, bits of wisdom and inspiration.

Pain

Mon, 01 Mar 2021 21:23:39 GMT

What Relentless Toothache Is Teaching Me About Pain

I need a root canal. Badly.

For the past six months, I’ve been favouring one of my bottom left molars. Intense searing pain drills into my brain if anything hot or cold touches it. Or if I inadvertently chew on it.

It throbs at night. ALL night.

I’m existing on heavy-duty painkillers and anti-inflammatory pills - diclofenac, extra strength. Antibiotics.

If I was back in the dark ages, a village healer would have numbed it with cloves or some other herbs, a mind-numbing concoction imbibed and the tooth yanked out. I dream of this scenario.

PULL IT OUT… PLEASE!

It’s the 21st century.

There are options — although when I visited my dentist six months ago he did say,

“We could pull it out?”

I’m too vain to have a big, gaping hole evident in my mouth when I smile. Not an option.

So, a chunk of cash later, I received a new filling to see if my tooth would settle down.

It hasn’t.

My life has become about my tooth, or specifically, the PAIN in my tooth.

When I wake up, what or when I eat is determined by how many painkillers I need. I have an upset tummy and diarrhoea due to all the pills I’m taking.

I wish I could get a big shot of morphine!

Luckily I’m booked in for a root canal treatment in six days. It has to be done and hopefully, I’ll be pain-free after.

My natural exuberance and joy for life will return.

Life will be a lot easier.

Whenever I have an experience with ongoing, chronic pain, I reflect upon the people who live like this continually.

How do they keep going?

How do they cope with persistent physical pain?

How do they manage some of the terrible side effects of painkilling medications?

I bow down before any person enduring daily, constant, debilitating pain.

I am in awe of those people who survive this never-ending pain with a calm countenance, good humour and patient attitude.

I massage a young man who lives with immense courage. An ex snowboard coach and high-level competitor — his life was full of action and adventure.

A few years ago he misjudged a snowboard jump, landed badly and shattered the bones in his right lower leg. This wasn’t the biggest problem though. He developed Compartmental Syndrome and was left with permanent muscle and nerve damage.

Now he lives with constant high levels of pain due to the injury. He exists on a cocktail of medications. To be completely pain-free messes with his mind and he feels like a zombie. Too little pain relief and he doesn’t sleep.

He’s decided on the middle ground — a certain amount of consistent pain but with a relatively clear mind.

He is NEVER completely pain-free.

Massage helps him relax. It doesn’t take away his pain.

It soothes his mind.

Some days he struggles to cope — to find the strength to keep being positive. He has a 7-year-old son, a loving wife, a business he manages from home. The pain is always there.

He swims most days. He uses crutches or a wheelchair to move around. He has learnt to use a sit-ski and hits the slopes in winter.

He says,

“I know when I do something physical like sit-skiing, my pain will be much worse for a few days after. But my mind needs the freedom I receive from doing it.”

Living with physical pain takes a lot of energy.

Sometimes it must get too much.

If you know someone who lives with pain — be supportive. Don’t assume anything.

Ask them if they’re coping and if they need some help.

I know my tooth will come right. If the root canal doesn’t work and there’s still pain — I’ll get it pulled.

What if this was it though?

What if for the rest of my life I had to endure this level of pain?

I would hate it. I would find it hard to live my life with enthusiasm.

I might wish I was dead.

Be mindful of your friends who might be dealing with physical pain. Believe them when they say they’re suffering. They’re not being wimpy or pathetic. Their pain is real.

Offer them your support. Be there for them. Be aware of their mental state.

Do they need more help? A professional counsellor? Different medication? Alternative approaches — massage, acupuncture, hypnotherapy?

If it’s you, and your life is framed by the physical pain you experience, everyday, ongoing, unrelenting — my heart goes out to you.

My hope is you find support and you can keep going as you seek to live a life of meaning for yourself.

What joining and leaving the Mormon Church taught me about myself.

leekelly.me@gmail.com (Lee Kelly) — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 08:43:42 GMT

Sometimes we aren’t who we think we are!

I married a Mormon when I was 22.

“We can’t be together unless you join the church”.

My father cried and told me the man I was about to marry was ‘The Devil’.

I was in love. I got baptised. We eloped.

My family disowned me.

I gave birth to 6 children in 10 years. It was a complete immersion into a life of religious service and obedience, devotion to being a perfect wife and mother. I tried hard to make it work, to mold myself into a righteous Latter Day Saint woman. It was challenging to see my peers enjoying overseas travel, exciting career opportunities, the freedom and fun of being in your twenties and discovering who you are. This created a huge dichotomy within me — was I Iiving MY life? Was I free?

‘The truth shall set you free’.

Was this my truth?

“It’s the one true and living church on the earth” my husband would tell me. “I’m just not sure it’s right for me”, I would reply. “Well, just think of your eternal salvation!”

What did that even mean?

But it scared me enough to stop asking questions.

My old friends fell away. I made new friends within the church community. Women like me, raising large families, living ‘in the world but not of it’. Reading scriptures to our children morning and night, keeping ourselves morally clean and pure in thought and action. I would huddle on my knees late at night praying to God to help me cope with the six children. To be able to last a day without raising my voice in anger or to even think an angry thought. I beat myself up for days after telling my young son to “shut up”!

I was incredibly hard on myself, although there were moments of deep joy and solace from prayer, church service and attendance. The one question that niggled deep within; after all that I did to keep myself righteous, to honour my husband and to raise a family ‘strong in the Lord’, was: “Is this right for me?”

Is this who I am?

A friend died of cancer — a beautiful, wise, funny man. At his funeral the message he asked his family to share was a quote by American poet Mary Oliver:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

MY ONE WILD AND PRECIOUS LIFE

I had chronic upper back pain — deep, sharp, inescapable. A Chinese acupuncturist told me to “free your soul”.

It took many years to extricate myself from the marriage and religion. They were completely entwined. Immense guilt. Shame. Fear. How could I spend over 20 years creating a family, a marriage, to simply walk away because ‘it doesn’t feel right’!

Who does that? What sort of person? What is right for me? Is what’s right for me right for my children?

I needed to ask better questions.

How do I free my soul? How do I fully honour who I am and make choices to support that? How do I find the courage to do what feels right for me? How do I live my one wild and precious life in a way that feels completely authentic to who I am?

Who am I?

I began to replace my questions with affirmations of power and hope.

I am clear.

I am courageous

I am open and receptive to change

I am living my soul directed life with ease

My life deeply reflects who I am

All is well in my world

I left the Mormon Church and my marriage over 10 years ago. It was painful. Hard. Confronting. I survived. My children survived. My ex-husband survived. There have been many gifts from this experience.

Resilience. Forgiveness. Change.

I now live a life that feels fully in balance with who I am. I’m grateful for the journey I’ve been on. Being part of an organised religion showed me who I am and how I desire to live. No right or wrong, just simply choices that align with me.

At times I still pray. I meditate, I ponder, I journal, I ride my bike.

I seek for maximum joy where my soul feels free.

How To Feel Good As A Parent Of Preschoolers, When You Usually Feel Bad

Sat, 27 Feb 2021 21:23:40 GMT

It’s damn hard being a parent of preschoolers.

Dealing with kids is hard. Dealing with yourself is hard. Dealing with other people is hard.

I spent most of the preschool years beating myself up as a ‘bad’ mother. I did that quite happily by myself. I didn’t need help, but I certainly got it from well-meaning other people.

Example #1

I have 5 children under 6. I’m a stressed out mess. I’m rushing to get the kids ready for school and preschool. No-one’s listening. I want to kill someone.

“Ok! We’re leaving in 2 minutes. GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW!”

The 3-year-old puts on the wrong shoes, they’re tight and her toes are squashed. I don’t notice.

I drop them ALL off. Such a relief!

Three hours later I dash back for the pick-up.

As I walk in I see the head teacher waiting by my daughter’s cubby hole. That’s not a good sign. I brace myself.

“Do you know your daughter’s shoes are too small for her? You know, this can cause deformities of the big toe. You should really check your children’s shoes and make sure they’re wearing the right size.”

YES, I KNOW THAT. I’M NOT A MORON!

“Oh, she must have put on the wrong shoes this morning.”

Even to me, this sounds like a weak defence. Ok, yes, I’m a BAD mother. My child’s toes are probably curling in deformity as we speak and yes, I’ll shuffle out of preschool today feeling suitably humbled.

Note to self — throw away all shoes that child can possibly find that may be too small.

Example #2

Same preschool. Same child. Same teacher.

A phone call.

“We’ve just had to call the fire brigade. Your daughter climbed up the fence, onto the roof and refuses to get down. Do you encourage this at home?”

Oh yeah, every morning I say to the kids, “Right, roof climbing practise. Up you go. Don’t be scared. It’s not far to the ground.”

OF COURSE I DON’T LET MY KIDS CLIMB ON THE ROOF!

Example #3

Same preschool. Same teacher. Twins.

“Your girls keep looking for food in the rubbish bin. Maybe they’re used to doing this at home? Are you feeding them enough?”

How do you respond to this?

I’m a good mother, really.

Example #4

Same preschool. Snooty mother. 4 year old.

I’m pregnant with child number six and having an afternoon nap. The 4-year-old is also having a sleep. But she isn’t. She’s snuck out her bedroom window.

I get woken by a knock at the door. It’s a mother from preschool, the one that drives a sporty red BMW and always picks her daughter up wearing floral dresses and high heels! She has my daughter.

“I came around the corner and she was sitting in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! I almost hit her! You must take better care of your children. Watch your children!”

Oh, the shame.

I’m a bad, bad parent.

Example #5

I feel brave and invite another mother and her son over for lunch after preschool. I spend time preparing a quiche, salad and fresh bread. I’m quite the homemaker at this time in my life!

They arrive. The mother has brought her own sandwich and insists on eating it!

My son and his friend are playing in the garage. It’s full of household bits and pieces that have made their way out there for games.

There’s a howl, loud wailing and the friend runs in with blood gushing from a gash above his eyebrow.

My son had thrown a pot high into the air and it landed in an unfortunate place!

The mother screams at me.

“What sort of parent are you? Why would you have such a dangerous thing in your garage? It’s not good enough and now my son is hurt.”

It was a pot.

After they left, to get stitches, I sat on my front doorstep.

I felt like the worst parent on earth.

I felt really, really BAD.

How to feel GOOD as a parent of preschoolers

When they’re asleep, tiptoe into their room, gaze upon their angelic faces and for a brief moment feel really, really GOOD.

It won’t last.