Lee Kelly Coaching

The Authentic Speaker Series: The Eye Connection

Lee Kelly • Aug 26, 2021

The amazing power of your eye contact


When it comes to speaking in front of others, the most powerful non verbal body language we engage in is what we do with our eyes.

I remember when I was at high school and preparing to give one of the dreaded yearly speeches in English class. The teacher advised us to just fix our eyes on a spot at the very back of the room if we were feeling nervous. I was 16, it was my sixth form year and I was required to give a speech on someone famous. I chose Donald Duck!

I learned my speech perfectly, I was well prepared, but I was terrified. I hated public speaking and managed to avoid any classes or activities that required standing up in front of a group of people. As I sat at my desk waiting for my turn to speak, the fear was so intense  I wished I was dead.

My name was called, I walked to the front. I didn't need notes as I'd memorised it. I faced the class...but I couldn't look at them. It was just too intimidating. The advice to look above them at the back wall was forgotten.  I turned away from those faces watching me and gave my speech looking out towards the windows. Not once did I catch the eyes of my classmates!

How do you think it went? Did I make an impact? Did I connect? 

Well, my friends remembered little about my speech and the history of Donald Duck. They have never forgotten how I refused to look at them as I spoke. I was teased for years!

Consistent and continued eye contact as we speak is how we connect with others. As we connect with our eyes we can feel into the essence of the other person, we can really see them - who they are, their integrity, their honesty, their authenticity in that moment. And they see us! When we are public speaking, eye contact is essential for us to reach into our audiences hearts and convey the messages we're sharing.

How much eye contact is enough?  

It's good to aim for 2-3 seconds of eye contact from one person to the next. This can depend on the size of the audience you're speaking too. In a small to medium sized group, aim to sweep your eyes over the whole group so they all feel included. It's important to not just flick your eyes around without a meaningful connection with anyone. Aim to pause for those few seconds and feel the connection.

In a larger audience, aim to connect eyes with those in the first few rows of people and as far back as you can. As you make the effort to  fully engage with your eyes, it becomes a natural and easy thing to do. 

When we're nervous it's tempting to not look at anyone and instead focus on our notes, the roof, the back of the room etc...However if we can have courage and find a friendly face, meet their eyes, pause for 2-3 seconds, really feel into that connection, then there is a wonderful exchange of energy and support that takes place.  You feel supported. They feel seen. Your words have much greater impact and power. 

Practice using more eye contact in your daily life with the people you come into contact with. Think about the 2-3 second timeframe. Try going longer and see how that feels. In the courses I run I often get the group to hold eye contact with each other for up to 10 seconds! This is an intense experience and good practice to realise how easy 2-3 seconds is. 

As you practice your daily eye contact, become aware of how you feel as you consciously hold the connection with the other person. Bring this into your public speaking and see what happens. 

You'll be transformed into an authentic, powerful speaker!




By Lee Kelly 01 Sep, 2021
I discovered Power Posing several years ago when I listened to a TED Talk by Amy Cuddy , a Social Psychologist from the Harvard Business School. Her studies affirm what I have been observing for years as I coach people to become aware of their body language, how it affects the way they feel and how they speak in public. Amy selected two groups of MBA students. One group sat or stood in positions of low power - bodies closed, legs crossed, arms folded, shoulders hunched forward. The second group sat or stood in positions of power - arms straight out to the side or above their head, shoulders open and back, legs in a wide, open stance. Both groups held these open or closed body positions for 2 minutes and then their saliva was tested. Amazingly, the power poser's showed a 15% increase in testosterone , the hormone that configures our brain to be more assertive, confident and creative. The low power poser's showed an increase in cortisol, the stress hormone. Both groups undertook a series of games and exercises after the posing and the power poser's showing greater rates of concentration, aptitude and creativity. We can change the physiology of our bodies simply by changing the the way we position ourselves. When preparing to speak in public, it is important to be aware of our body language - before and during our presentation. Power Posing is a quick and easy way to help combat nervousness and prepare us to speak with more confidence and assertiveness. It can help us feel more powerful. Find a quiet place to open your body for 2 minutes - hold a power pose and literally feel and know your energy is increasing. When waiting for your turn to speak, make sure your body is open - stretch your arms above your head, out to the side, roll your shoulders back. If sitting in a chair, be as open as you can - uncross your legs, straighten spine, roll shoulders back. Take a deep breath. Power posing is a fantastic way to prepare yourself for any life activity. And if you want to increase your confidence and presence as a speaker, power posing is an incredible tool.
By Lee Kelly 29 Aug, 2021
How do we prepare and harness our mind before speaking? Why is this important? I've learned, the thoughts we keep thinking create beliefs about ourselves affecting how we live our lives and how we perform as a presenter. I always invite the people I'm coaching to investigate the dominant thoughts and beliefs they have about themselves. I ask them to do a 'brain dump' of all the negative, limiting thoughts they have. And these are often just the ones they're aware of! So many of our beliefs are unconscious and have been learned in childhood or passed down to us through our families. Often they begin with thoughts and beliefs specific to public speaking: "I speak too fast", "I stutter and garble my words", "I say um all the time", "I always forget my words", "My stories aren't interesting", "I hate the way I sound". Then as we peel back the layers, the negative thoughts and beliefs become more encompassing: "I'm a terrible speaker", "I'm scared of what people think of me", "I'm scared of being judged", "I don't feel of worth", "I'm not good enough". The most consistent and underlying limiting belief I've discovered is: "I'm not enough". Who am I to be sharing my thoughts, ideas and stories with you? Who do I think I am? I'm just not worthy, not good enough, not interesting enough, not clever enough, not attractive enough, just NOT ENOUGH!! The first step to overcoming and replacing these limiting thoughts and beliefs is to become aware of them. Catch them as they subtly and sneakily enter your mind. Don't beat yourself up for having them. Just observe and replace them with kinder, more affirming thoughts. "I speak too fast" to "I'm a well paced and measured speaker" "I say um all the time" to "I use pauses effectively" "I always forget my words" to "I remember my words with ease" "I'm a terrible speaker" to "I'm a confident speaker" "I'm not enough" to "I'm enough" An Affirmation is a short, powerful phrase we repeat to ourselves as often as possible so our mind begins to believe and act upon it. Remember a belief is simply a thought we keep thinking. Change our thoughts, change our beliefs, transform our lives. When we first create an affirmation it can be hard to believe and our mind condemns it. We know we always forget our words! We know we're a terrible speaker! This is the moment when you need to trust the process . Trust, as you replace a limiting thought with a new, affirming thought encouraging a new way of thinking or being and then repeating this thought as often as you can - your mind will come to believe this thought and a new belief is created. Your external world will then begin to reflect this new belief. Affirmations can seem too simple to be believable. Try them, they work! Luke and Mr Kuze When my son Luke was a 14 year old school boy, his favourite class was Japanese. He excelled in learning this language and he had an amazing memory. It was time for the yearly Japanese speech and Luke had prepared well. He knew his speech perfectly and planned to present it using no notes. Yet, a little nagging voice inside kept saying, "You might forget your words", "You should use cue cards just to be safe". The class was encouraged by the teacher Mr Kuze to use cue cards if they needed to - after all, it was a different language. But Luke knew he could remember it so why was he having this thought of needing cue cards? We talked about it. I asked him where this thought had come from? Why did he think he needed cue cards when he was so sure he would remember his speech? On reflection he realised the rest of his classmates were all using cue cards and this was the expected and encouraged thing to do. Luke was doubting his own ability and hooking into the belief that cue cards were necessary because a Japanese speech would be too hard to remember perfectly without them! Once this limiting belief was uncovered, Luke replaced it with, "I remember my Japanese speech perfectly" ,"I'm well prepared and speak confidently without cue cards". However, on the day of the speech, Luke had his cue cards tucked discreetly in his shorts pocket. Speakers before him all used cue cards and when it was his turn, he walked up to the front of the classroom and pulled out the cue cards as everyone else had. After speaking for a few moments, he realised the cue cards were a hindrance - his speech was flowing and he remembered everything he'd prepared. The cue cards disappeared back into his pocket and he finished his speech reinforcing the new belief - "I'm an amazing, confident speaker and I remember all I want to say!" As Luke sat down, Mr Kuze stood up, clapped his hands and exclaimed, "Excellent, Excellent". Luke received the top mark in the class for his speech. He also learned the power of harnessing his mind.
By Lee Kelly 25 Jun, 2021
The moment we first meet someone is crucial to how we perceive them and the initial judgements we make are often hard to reverse. As a speaker, we need to ensure we are well prepared and our actions are impeccable in the first 7 seconds in front of an audience. It's not long, yet it's enough for an audience to make judgements on who they think someone is. What they're wearing, how they sound, how they stand and the energy they exude gives the audience feedback. A bad first impression is hard to recover from. How to nail the first 7 seconds. 1) Be Prepared. Have your speech or presentation well rehearsed and organised. There's no benefit in 'winging it'. It's risky. And you'll be anxious which will show in those first few moments. Familiarise yourself with the venue. Know where you'll be sitting before your presentation. If possible stand in the spot you'll be speaking from - practice with the microphone, power point or any other equipment you might be using. Being fully prepared helps you to feel relaxed and the audience will feel your ease and confidence immediately. 2) Look amazing! It's the details that matter! Good shoes, clean fingernails, not too much cleavage, well pressed skirt or pants, People judge us by the way we move, look and sound. Be the best version of yourself as you present to an audience. Dress up. Clothes give us energy so choose an outfit that helps you feel empowered, energised and attractive. 3) Align yourself within. As you're sitting waiting for the moment to walk in front of the audience, align yourself within by taking a deep breath, sit calmly, straight spine, shoulders back. Know and remember your opening comments - keep them forefront in your mind. Be aware you're being observed in the walk from your seat to the stage. Walk purposefully, confidently. 4) Take time to 'own the space'. Pause. There's no rush to begin. Take your time to 'own the space' on the stage. Arrange your notes if using them. Take a deep breath, look around, make eye contact, connect with the audience, smile. 5) Memorise the opening. Learn the first few sentences of your presentation so that you can deliver it with good eye contact and connection with the audience. Resist the urge to say inane things like "I'm so nervous" or "Sorry my hands are shaking". The audience doesn't know you're nervous unless you tell them. 6) Be yourself. When someone is putting on an act or faking it, it feels 'off'. In the first 7 seconds your job is to make a connection with the audience and the easiest way to do this is to be as natural and relaxed as you can be. Rather than thinking about yourself and how nervous you are etc, become audience centred. How can your words help and inspire them? What is the gift you can bring to this audience today?
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